FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
by Cup of Life Noodles
Summary: SPOILERS: ACID
1. Chapter 1

On the walk home from school, Ritsu spotted something other than the moefuck walking beside her that caught her interest. A store had a picture in black and white of thin shirtless men striking lethargic poses and crying hanging in the window. It reminded Ritsu of something she needed to do.

Mio, who's eyes were fixed up at the sky because it was so mysterious and shit to her, noticed that Ritsu had stepped into the shop they had just passed without so much as a "G'bye, Bass playah."

The sky gave Mio the feeling of how insignificant and fleeting the mortal existence can be. In that moment, she decided to stimulate the economy by whatever means possible, convert to Christianity, and then jump off a cliff, for whatever reason.

The bassist considered following her friend into the store, but eventually decided against it because hairbands don't have feelings. And Ritsu herself was a useless addition to anyone's party, just like Shana in The Legend of Dragoon.

-

Ritsu, who had successfully barrel rolled into the store without any pistol injuries, looked around until she found what she was looking for. It was a small black desk fan. She went and paid for it with fuckyen, then ran out of the store to catch up with Mio. She had to switch from walking to running because they're two different actions like in an RPG. Fuck.

With her new fan in hand, she could now place it next to the small white desk fan she already owned and take a picture of them together to prove she wasn't racist.

"Mio! Wait up!" Ritsu called out to a middle-aged, sickly looking stranger, wondering if his name could also be Mio.

It wasn't.

The drummer considered calling him a pedophile, but didn't want to be shot. She realized that if zombies with hands that resembled tree branches that only came out at night didn't carry guns, this man would need one.

Ritsu ran like fuck.

-

After a few minutes of running, Ritsu saw the bassist up ahead. The drummer took off her hairband filled with rage and threw it at her. Even after feeling it strike her, Mio took no action and continued walking because she fucking hated Active Time Battle. Ritsu frowned, picking up her hairband, which had changed colors from yellow to purple, putting it back on and running up beside her friend. Mio seemed opposed to conversation, probably because their religious views conflicted, and having nothing to do with Ritsu being a bothersome son of a bitch.

"So, have you watched any Haruhi lately, Mio?"

"Ritsu, I'mma let you finish, but Endless Eight was the worst shit of all time!"

"YOU LIE!"

"That's not true."

A unanimous unspoken agreement to agree to disagree followed the two girls home. However, they could still both agree that if it doesn't say Kellogg's, it's not made by Kellogg's.


	2. Chapter 2

Having just come from her final class of the day, which consisted of learning fucknothing and being criticized for liking Dragonball Z and hentai by people who would rather watch Gilmore Girls and "real porn," Ritsu sluggishly stepped through the entrance of their light music club. The door could have been a space-time portal that contained everything that was the essence of Christmas encased inside of a perogie, but unfortunately, it was just a door.

Mio could be found sitting at the table near the window with her MacBook, checking her email. The reason as to why Mio would bring something so expensive to school had to be because her fuckyen was OVER NINE THOUSAND, Ritsu concluded.

Mio noticed Ritsu's presence and waved, sipping her fucktea and looking back at the ludicrous amount of spam in front of her, inviting her to have questionable sex with lonely cheating wives. She sighed, closing her MacBook and throwing it out the window, where it proceeded to open and fly home.

Tsumugi giggled, feeling high even though she hadn't taken anything, mainly because whenever she looked outside, everything looked like the background scenery of every Color Dreams game. She waited until Mio finished her fucktea and replaced it with a taco that came out of her hand. Mio frowned as she became enveloped in black fuckfire, throwing the taco at Tsumugi, which killed her, and asking for cake from her throat. Ritsu sat down across from Mio after reviving Tsumugi via Phoenix Down.

"Yo, Mio—"

"LINK'S A LEFTY! :D," Mio suddenly interrupted.

The three girls sat around waiting for Yui, looking like perpetually stoned children. However, she would never show up. This pissed the three girls off to no end because their light music club was SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS.

Sawako paid the girls a brief visit to ask if it was live, or is it Memorex before cutting a hole in the ceiling and jumping to heaven, everyone.


	3. Chapter 3

Yui sat glued to her chair, her mind transfixed on a sorrow so horrific it surpassed the mere faults of writers whose plot holes plagued the movie sequels she so longed for in hell.

Yui's fail had condemned her to stay after class and finish assignments, since it was on a level so groundbreaking, even Final Fantasy XII's combat system couldn't hope to compare to it. She knew her fellow club members would be upset when she didn't show up; her greatest fear was that she would be thrust into an environment with RANDOM ENCOUNTERS that prevented her from reaching liberation from the trials of the hellish turn based combat of everyday life. But what was even more terrifying was the diminutive elf dancing on her sandwich, since he appeared to have been bludgeoned several times and had a look in his eyes that suggested he had been deprived of sleep.

Reaching into a black hole that lead to Ui's evil cunt, Yui pulled out her guitar, Giita, amidst the grass and processed to rock the fuck out. It was during this session of attempting to copy the genius of Iron Maiden's music that she realized there wasn't any teacher in the room, so she could just leave.

Just then, Azusa pulled a DYNAMIC ENTRY by crashing through the wall in her spaceship that wasn't actually a spaceship, but a car. Yui screamed like fuck, but no one cared, as I'm sure would be the case in a real-life accident. Azuza then stepped out of the carship, named "Mother."

"ZOMGZ, AZU-NYAN!! :O"

"Yui-sempai! :D Everyone's waiting for you, you cowfuck! D:"

"..."

"What?"

"... Yaranaika?"

-

Back at the clubroom, Tsumugi had gone home because she was hearing awful sound affects and horrible synthesized midi music. Mio and Ritsu had stayed behind to take part in a slapping contest.


	4. Chapter 4

Ritsu had wanted to win the slapping contest by hitting Mio's face off, but ended up winning when Mio brought up Nazis as according to Godwin's Law.

-

The next day, the members of the light music club were all hanging out, eating strawberry pocky.

It took them a while, but they all eventually realized that it tasted like fucksawdust.

They all then simultaneously thanked the lord they didn't live in China.


	5. Chapter 5

On the way to school, Tsumugi pondered the lifespan of a Gameboy Advance cartridge; wondering in wrist cutting depression how much longer her shiny Magmar would be able to exist in a land of pixilation, where no screams could be heard. Such was an existence overflowing with such damnation that the afterlife was completely imaginary, just like in real life, except there were no lies in the form of religion to suggest otherwise.

Tsumugi's only happiness came from knowing even if her precious would die, she could keep him safe from mankind's evil, such as the 2 Girls 1 Cup video. Although Tsumugi really liked that video, she had an understanding that Magmars didn't.

When the sidewalk became a conveyer belt, she dodged incoming projectiles and leaped over rolling wood. Her eyebrows would see her through another day, but it would be some time before she would meet up with her friends; the walk to school was always treacherous and filled with sexual innuendo.

Tsumugi chomped on a stick of celery she pulled out of her sleeve.


	6. Chapter 6

Ritsu's trying commute to the enormous concrete and metal box in which she was forced to undergo education this morning troubled her. As she pondered a way to reach her destination without any effort, her hairband changed colors from purple to orange.

The drummer entertained thoughts of stealing Azusa's CarShip, Mother, but eventually decided on using the GunSword she won from her slapping contest with Mio. It's blasts of fucklight were capable of miracles beyond Jesus' wonders.

Realizing such potential, she decided to unleash it's powers to take her to Mio's house instead. Once there, she would use her powers of utter charisma to force the bassist to agree to have HLS with her.

Ritsu pointed the GunSword out the window, it's fucklight shot out like vomit, catapulting the little drummer into space.

"WAIT, WHAT THE FACK?!" Ritsu was so confused as to what had happened that she blacked out, but was able to breathe because she was a magic girl.

When she awoke, she tried shooting fucklight at the earth, but it didn't work.

Mio had betrayed her, giving her a GunSword that only shoots space-teleportation fucklight.

With vengeance on her mind and determination in her heart, Ritsu began swimming home.

-

After a very well directed high definition cut scene, at last Ritsu found herself back on the path to a land where giant Cyclopes awaited their turn to be felled, or eaten.


	7. Chapter 7

Azusa was forcefully awoken by a torrent of hellish shrieks, the remnants of her nightmare. A large green pig wearing orange, heart shaped sunglasses was having loveless sex with a farmer on top of a mosaic. Their groans echoed in her mind like her own groans when she would receive a one star wanted level just for smacking a Lowrider with a golf club.

She sat up, hyperventilating and scanning the area around her for something she could use to calm down. The dream had reminded her of when she'd thought about a man in his late forties clasping a woman's arms together and thrusting a spear through them while allowing a snake to devour her flesh and lighting them both on fire.

Finally, Azusa found her cat ears. She placed them atop her head, and all was well.

She then proceeded to get dressed and make her way to school in a small metal ark with wings, made out of lasers.


	8. Chapter 8

Mio awoke feeling good. She had never lied to Ritsu before, save that one time in the sandbox when they were children. Ritsu had asked Mio for grass, and Mio had given her water instead. All in all, the experience had brought them closer.

-

Arriving at school, Mio pulled out her DVD player and pressed fast forward, causing time to speed up. She allowed time to speed by until it was time for their club gathering, then returned the flow to normal. If she had known her DVD player was a wizard, she'd have employed it's powers to skip class years ago...

Mio then developed a hatred to those who owned Blu-ray players because she didn't.

Monkeys in tuxedos each reading a copy of the bible past Mio on her way to the clubroom.

"Nice weather we're having lately, isn't it?" said one of the monkeys. The other simply gave her a polite smile.

"Indeed." Mio replied. Once they passed, she closed the clubroom door and allowed herself to harbour thoughts of the monkeys either being a gay couple, or one of them being a rapist.

Turning around, Mio noticed Tsumugi was already here, placing a cup of fucktea at each of their respective corners of the table.

"Ah, Mio-chan, would you like some te-"

"CAKE, MOTHERFUCKER!!" Mio interrupted.

"FGSFDS."

"MOE MOE KYUN."

As the two girls sat, waiting for the other three, a conversation developed. Both girls were happy to learn that the other also believed people who smell too bad should be violently executed.


	9. Chapter 9

On the way to the clubroom, Ritsu entertained sweet thoughts of glorious retribution. It was like a Jewish wet dream. She wanted Mio to pay as badly as she wanted her pussy.

Her planning would be interrupted when a commotion outside caught her attention. Meteors from the heavens were raining down on the earth, proceeding to kill the fuck out of it. The drummer felt as if she were both shitting herself and trippin' balls.

"OH, FUCK, NO! THE MAYANS WARNED US!!! **THEY **_**WARNED**_** USSSS!!!**" Ritsu screamed as she fell to her knees.

"Ricchan?" a voice sounded behind her. The drummer turned around to see it was Yui. Her haidband then changed colors from orange to green.

"Yui! Look outside!! It's MADNESS!!"

"... Madness?" Yui went over to the window. "**THIS. IS. **_**SPARTA!!!**_"

After the twenty-first meteor in a row hit the earth, everything suddenly returned to normal and it started to snow. Ritsu was in awe.

"...COMBO BREAKER! :D"

"YATTA YATTA, BANZAI, SUGOI DESU! :DD" Yui added.

It was then that Yui and Ritsu both agreed that either God or the Mayans were trollz.


	10. Chapter 10

Azusa was mortified. It was a feeling that had even surpassed the disgust in humanity one would experience when listening to George W. Bush speak on television.

Before her, lay Mother, her CarShip, horribly damaged from a barrage of meteors. Beside her, stood Tsumugi, trying her best to comfort her. Mostly likely only because she wanted HLS.

"CAN WE FIX IT? :D" Asked Tsumugi.

"NO, IT'S FUCKED! D:" Azusa replied.

And with that, the journey back to their moon base began. It would take them awhile to arrive, however, as Tsumugi decided to give Azusa SURPRISE BUTTSECKS.

Chris-chan suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

"TAKE CARE, AND STAY STRAIGHT! :D"

The two girls both admitted to enjoying senseless violence and disliking black people. Chris-chan supported the latter.


	11. Chapter 11

The door to the light music club slammed open. That's right, slammed _open_.

Mio, who had been waiting for everyone, saw Ritsu and Yui barge in. Ritsu immediately ran over to the bassist, giving her a serious look. Mio simply smiled, watching Ritsu's hairband change colors from green to red.

"So, Ritsu, how was the swim home from space?"

"I MANAGED TO AVOID DROWNING!"

"Good job."

Ritsu prepared to get serious. In truth, she had only been using 2 percent of her power up until now.

"MIO, THOU SHALT SUFFER TORMENT FROM MINE INJURY!! D:"

"Oh, shut up and have some grass."

"I'M NOT FALLING FOR THAT SHIT AGAIN! D:"

-

In the end, Ritsu wasn't Sasuke enough to kill Mio, and the three girls simply sat down to drink fucktea and do kegel exercises, boys and girls.


	12. Chapter 12

Unlike most weekends for the drummer, this Sunday wasn't a green day for Ritsu.

Instead, she could be found lazily lying on top of her bed, wondering if she'd made the right choice letting Mio live. As she pondered revenge fantasies, the thought that Pepsi was trying way too hard to be cool distracted her. She was also becoming increasingly self-conscious of her shiny forehead. Was is a fingerprint magnet like other shiny surfaces? Like the metal surrounding the lens of a digital camera? Or a fucking iPod Classic?!!! The drummer sat up, intent on testing her hypothesis.

"I'll use Mio's punifuckpuni fingers to test this shit, ze! :O" She declared. She held up one index finger for totally awesome ZAP TO THE EXTREME dramatic effect. And with that, she was off.

On her way to Mio's house, her resolve to end the bassist's life vanished; Mio was good for mooching off of or getting help with school work. And potential HLS. If she were to be removed from Ritsu's life, it would be like receiving Acer customer service. No help at all.

-

Meanwhile, Mio was sitting on a couch made out of potato chips, watching TV with her sister. Mio didn't have a sister, but didn't think much of it. Satoshi? 'nuff said.

Suddenly, a red hairband came crashing through Mio's window and killed her sister. Awesome. Ritsu then calmly entered the house through the front door. Mio remained apathetic. Picking her hairband off the carpet and returning it to its place in her hair, Ritsu stared at the girl she'd killed.

"Who's that, Mio?"

"My sister, apparently."

"lol, KyoAni."

Ritsu was wondering why Mio wasn't suspired at her lack of DYNAMIC ENTRY usage while entering her house. She was also wondering why she threw her hairband through Mio's window after deciding NOT to kill her. In the end, the drummer concluded that Mio's sister's death and everyone's OOCness was for the lulz, and BBcode was a time consuming nuisance.

"Now then, Mio! I want you too--" Before Ritsu could finish, Mio's potato chip couch turned into a radio. And Ritsu's hairband changed colors from red to blue.

The radio crackered. "You must fight the bassists!"

So Ritsu gotted her palsma rifle and blew up the wall.

"SHE GOING TO KILL US" said the bassists

"I will shoot at him" said the cyberbassist and he fired the rocket missiles. Ritsu plasmaed at him and tried to blew him up. But then the ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.

"No! I must kill the bassists" she shouted

The radio said "No, Ritsu. You are the bassists"

And then Ritsu was a zombie.


	13. Chapter 13

Christmas was approaching fast. Faster than you can lose your job due to the recession. HAZZAH?!

It meant that yet another ADD-- ...Christmas party was coming up for the light music club soon. As the five girls walked home, Azusa felt the need to clear up a certain curiosity.

"Um... Ritsu-senpai...?" the younger girl tugged on the upperclassmen's skirt in uber kawaii moeness, nya.

"Hmm...? What is it, Azusa?" She answered as she rubbed Mio's crotch under her skirt like an out lesbian. Tsumugi was pleased.

"Well... Oh, what the hell; I'll just ask. How in the fuckworld are you always getting your hairband to change colors like that? O.O"

"It changed color???!!!111one?!eleven1!?1?1! :O" she questioned back as her shoes changed colors from brown to pink. It seemed that pieces of Ritsu's attire changing colors was becoming more common than seeing the Logitech MX Revolution Mouse in people's computer setups.

It was then that the drummer found herself face-first on the ground as a result of Mio's first. Too much fondling in public. Tsumugi was NOT pleased.

"God damn, wait till we're alone, bitch! D:" Mio continued on ahead while the rest of the girls helped Ritsu with distressed :O looks on their faces.

A few hundred rupees later in exchange for some red potion, and Ritsu was back to normal.

"FURU POWA! :0" She declared.

"So, what does everyone want for Christmas? :D" Yui asked.

"That's easy!" Ritsu began, "The mass genocide of Sliver Fish, and dominance over the Milky Way!"

The others were silent.

But in their hearts, they all knew they could agree the one present they didn't want was Windows 7.


End file.
